Thoughts on Anakin Skywalker
by Toni
Summary: WIth the release of ROTS four weeks away, here's my viggie collection on its herovillian from the ladies in his lifw. Basically, some thoughts on ASDV from Shmi, Padme, Leia, and Mara.
1. Default Chapter

Disclaimer: All movie characters belong to George Lucas. Mara Jade is the creation of Timothy Zhan. I just play with GL's toys.

This viggie series is dedicated to Little Vampire Bites, without whom it would never have been written.

To Give Without Reward

I'd always known you were meant for more than a slave's life. You were so gifted, so talented, and it seemed that fate was on your side when a Jedi came to Mos Espa. It hurt to see you go, but sometimes love involves giving up the one you love. I loved you to much to want to keep you here as a slave for the rest of your life. I've been here since I was a little girl, and life as a slave in the desert does take a toll on you, even if your Master isn't particularly harsh. There are transmitters, hard work, poverty, and the harsh desert to contend with, even during the best of times.

My Ani, you were a gift from the Force itself. I don't understand it, can't explain it, but I'm sure it's true. And the gift given away comes back to you more often than you know. That's what I tell myself when it's terribly lonely without you or when your friends ask me if you're ever coming back. I don't want to tell them anything to get their hopes up, so I keep my answers to their questions as noncommittal as I can.

But then I wonder how the life of a Jedi is. I'm sure that Qui-Gon was right when he said it is a hard life. I know you can sent anywhere in the Galaxy, doing any mission that nobody else is willing to do. Still, I know you'll learn to make use of your gifts and will be able to see the Galaxy. Maybe you will be the first to visit every system, just like you dreamed of.

And you're not terrifying me by racing pods anymore. As proud as I am of you for helping strangers get the money they needed, it killed me every time you raced. How could it not, knowing that it might be the last time I would ever see you? And if you'd stay here, you'd likely keep racing until you were too big to fit into a pod. The way life is now, I still have hope that I haven't seen you for the last time.

You'll always be my son, and I hope you never feel that I gave you away. That I sent you to face the Galaxy at too young an age. For as willing as you were to go, I'm afraid the Galaxy harsher than you wanted or expected.


	2. The Hero Without Fear

The Hero Without Fear

I think you knew I would be your wife and the mother of your child the first moment you saw me. The first question you asked me was "Are you an angel?", after all. But I didn't think anything of it at the time. It was only when you left the only home you had ever known that I started to feel protective of you.

I still feel protective of you when the Holonews calls you "The Hero Without Fear." You're only human, Ani, as much as you like to pretend otherwise. That nickname makes me afraid you've forgotten. You will go too fast and too far and soon you will be to far away to ever come home again. Which would leave me without you and our child will be left without a father.

When I met you again, a passion awoke in me that I had never known. I had crushes before, but now I don't think I had ever truly been in love. Now I can't imagine life without being in love. What we have when you can get away from your duties is something I don't want to be without again, and I know you feel the same way. You have my heart, and never fear that you could ever lose it. Please don't gamble with it by needlessly putting yourself in danger.

It hurts to not be able to tell anyone how much I worry about you. But I won't let you leave the Jedi Order for me. I can still see the excitement that was on your face when Qui-Gon told you that he would train you to become a Jedi. I won't let you give up what you've wanted and worked so hard for. Something that is so much a part of who you are should always be a part of you.

But we may not be able to keep our marriage a secret for much longer. On your last visit home, we conceived a child. Another secret I've had to work so hard to keep. I've wanted this for so long, to feel a baby of my own inside me. I want to announce my new family to the entire Galaxy! But I can't, and I won't, not yet.

For the Jedi say that you are their Chosen One. Because if you can rid the Galaxy of the Sith, I won't be the one to keep you from doing that. I'm sure you have an amazing destiny, and I'm happy just to be on the sidelines of it. But never give up your duties for me. It wouldn't be fair to ask that of you.


	3. Blood Ties

Blood Ties

When Luke told me that you were my biological father, so much made sense. Now I knew why dad had been so frightened whenever you were going to be at some Senatorial function. Why I felt such a strong connection with Luke, even though I was in love with Han. Why my mother had been so sad. Something you had told me once, "You remind me of someone, Your Highness."

I hated you for so long. I didn't think of you as anything but the black monster who had tortured me. You had let Tarkin destroy Alderaan with a single blast. Later, you were the one who had put Han in carbonite and traumatized Luke. I knew there was more to what had happened than the duel and the loss of his hand. I just didn't know what it was or why Luke was so reluctant to talk about it.

I did believe Luke when he told me what you had done and what your last words were. _Tell your sister you were right about me. _I just didn't think it cancelled out everything you did before throwing the Emperor down the shaft. Luke appeared to think so, but I wasn't interested in hearing more about it. The memories of the Death Star and Bespin were too fresh in my mind. I couldn't believe you and Luke were expecting me to forget everything that had happened, everything that you had done.

When you appeared to me at Bakura, all I think of was getting you to go away. I didn't want to think about your connection to me, and I certainly didn't want you to try to start a father-daughter relationship with me. But later I thought that I should have given you another chance. That you were the one who destroyed the Emperor.

And that is why I named my son after you – in remembrance that you were the one who insured that the Sith would not continue. I never regretted that, even when it led Anakin to be terrified that he would turn out no better than you did. Which never happened. Now I suppose Anakin's spirit is with you, his grandfather and namesake, and my mother, his grandmother.


	4. From One ExPet to Another

One Ex-Pet to Another

I could always tell that you were different from the other Imperials. They had their protégés, their love of prestige and power, and their prejudices. And I'd think how pitiful they were and how much they were fawning over and using my – _our_ Master. You just wanted to have control, to have everything happen exactly the way you wanted it to. How ironic that your Master was actually the one in control.

You never had any concubines, although the Emperor had plenty. I now suppose it was because you knew that it would be only a cheap imitation of love. That you had somehow experienced the real thing. That you had too much respect for women and for a relationship long gone. I wonder who she was – it would mean so much for Luke to know.

I used to think you were a fool for going against the Emperor. Did you honestly think he didn't know you were searching the Galaxy to find your son, hoping he would be your apprentice? He wanted to put a stop to it enough I found myself working at a job beneath my dignity, as a dancer for a Hutt on a dustball of a planet. I'd hear all about his imagined punishments for his apprentice. I heard even more about his plans for his apprentice's son.

How I hated you when I realized you intended to kill the only father I had ever known. It took watching Luke interact so wonderfully with Ben to realize that he was never a father to me. But at the time, he was all that I had. When the Emperor was dead, I could hardly live with myself. Nobody knew who I was and I had no proof I was more than a dancer. Being on my own made me bitter and I blamed you for it, at least partially.

It wasn't only you who I thought was a fool. I though Luke was a fool for forgiving you after all that you had done. But Luke can live with himself. He can live knowing the truth about where he comes from. He hasn't let his life be ruined by you, but has taken advantage of the sacrifice he swears you made. And now I've done the same, and could never want to be the Emperor's Hand again.


End file.
